Monday, June 23, 2014

i think i'm done talking for a while.

a year ago i woke up and found my dad four hours into a stroke, dying right in front of me, and something scary broke inside of me.

i always knew something like this would happen. i watched my mom die when i was so young. humans aren't strong and mighty. we're so fragile, so weak. the moment we're put on this earth we begin to die and nothing is going to stop that. so i always knew that i'd have to be prepared for when something else bad happened because it would probably be up to me to be the anchor. but the panic shut me down and i screamed when i called 911 and cried and cried and cried because it's easy to be strong when life is going well but it's hard not to be weak when the entire world is shattering around you.

i've always been a worrier. but i've never had an anxiety the size of a monster inside of me like i do now. sometimes i call my dad twice a day to check in and i keep my ringer on full blast when i go to bed and sleep with a ponytail on my wrist in case i have to race to the hospital at a moment's notice, even though i have a phobia of my wrists falling off from lack of circulation like a pig's tail. at school i started checking to make sure lauren was breathing every night before i went to bed and demanded that my brother check in with my dad if he sent a text with a few misplaced words for fear that he was having another stroke.

it's a strange thing to watch your life come apart and be completely helpless in stopping it. one year ago today at this very moment i was hoping for something incredible to happen. and then it all went to shit. and as the year progressed, it went to even more shit. and it just kept happening and happening and happening and there was nothing i could do to change it. i'm so tired. i'm so so so so so tired and life isn't going to get any easier. "fall down seven times, stand up eight." how about i fall down seven times and take a nap instead.

i used to want to share everything. now i want to share nothing. you can only word things so many ways before you realize that people are never going to understand. so i think for now i'm done trying to explain this ocean inside of me and why i always get sad when i'm out with my friends. i suffer from anxiety and depression and athazagoraphobia and i don't know how else to describe the way i am to people who aren't really listening.

words are the biggest weapons we own. and sometimes they're the most powerful when we take them away.

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