Monday, June 2, 2014

i know it's true, that visions are seldom all they seem.

i've always loved fairytales. i've always believed in fairytales. fairytales had magic, and i thought that if i believed hard enough, if i truly believed in the deepest parts of my heart, then i could have the magic, too. i wanted a fairytale happy ending so badly, and for some silly reason i always believed that i would get one.

i used to believe in everything. i believed in the stars and my books and the flowers that grew out of the cracks in the sidewalk. i used to believe in my dreams and in this world and in myself. life changes people, though. and the truth can be so incredibly brutal.

last thursday i went to the premiere of maleficent with lauren. the story of sleeping beauty has always been my favorite fairytale. she most certainly is my favorite princess. aurora. to me, she had the most beautiful name of them all. "the dawn." a new beginning. my favorite time of the day, when the sun kisses me and the stars goodnight and i fall into my own slumber as the rest of the world awakens. maybe that's why she's my favorite. we're alike in a lot of ways. i'm the one asleep for a hundred years, while everyone else around me is wide awake. i feel like that a lot. as if i'm walking through life in a dreamlike state, waiting for someone to come wake me up and make me feel alive again. it's like maleficent is life and the darkness is trying to pull me into an eternal slumber. but i'm not sleeping beauty. and happily ever afters are just words on a page.

as soon as i heard the first haunting notes of lana's version of once upon a dream, i fell in love. disney's version is so light. and i loved that version when i felt like life could be just like that fairytale. but life doesn't work that way. it can be so cruel and so very, very dark. maleficent. the literal meaning being "menacing and foreboding." the truest form of evil portrayed in the most wicked villain of them all. what's not to love?

and while i adored the movie, i will say i thought it could have been so much darker. i was almost disappointed; i didn't agree with some of the plot changes, but sleeping beauty will always be sleeping beauty to me. and light or dark, it will always be my favorite.

i don't know where i'm going with this whole thing. all i know is that i haven't written a post since november because the words have hidden themselves deep within my mind and they disappear before my fingers can even touch the keys. but i think it's become harder to keep everything inside than it is to fight it out of my messed up head. so this is the result. baby steps, as someone anonymously commented on one of my flickr pictures one time. but the dawn is on it's way and maizie is snuggled up on my lap, so i guess it's time for me to give up and go back to dreamland. maybe i'll meet my prince there.

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