stephy in wonderland

one of my all-time favorite stories is alice in wonderland, and for my birthday lauren got me the most incredible and beautiful version of it. i stayed up until 4:30 reading it and it made me feel so incredibly at home, it was surreal. you know at the beginning when she's falling down the rabbit hole and she's trying to recall all of these facts but she keeps mixing them up and she can't understand why she can't think properly?
i feel like that everyday. i'm surrounded by people who are so extremely intelligent and anytime i open my mouth, i wish i would have just closed it instead of speaking because the things i say never compare. everyone always seems so much more talented and so freaking self-assured. i'm so tired of trying to prove myself, and especially trying to prove my worth. i'm so tired tired tired tired tired. i'm so tired and all i can do is be tired. and even being tired makes me tired. i wake up tired and i go to bed tired and sleeping makes me tired and all throughout the day i'm so tired i could collapse.
i love alice in wonderland so much because wonderland is a place where being crazy is celebrated. you don't have to prove that you can solve the hardest math equations or be able to speak fluently in french because nothing makes sense in wonderland. i want to live in a place where everyone is just as messed up and out of their mind as i am. i want a place that's so magical and so far away from reality that i would never have to worry about this silly life and all of the complications it throws my way. i want a place where i can fall so far down the rabbit hole that no one would ever be able to find me.

"if i had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. and contrary wise, what it is, it wouldn't be. and what it wouldn't be, it would. you see?"