infinite

i'm sitting here in the hallway because i don't like the dark and i should be busting away at the piles of homework i have, but i am stephanie and i don't function that way. my mind is all jumbly and i'm trying to find my happy place but i can't because everytime i think of london i get this terribly sad feeling in the pit of my stomach. i was so incredibly happy when i was there; it didn't matter that i wasn't the best photographer in the group or the funniest person or the smartest kid. i was in a city i love with amazing new friends doing the one thing in this world that makes me happy. i felt like i was home. and now i'm sitting here months later and i feel so completely alone it's unreal.

you know that feeling when it seems as if you aren't good enough or smart enough or pretty enough? i'm not enough. i'm never enough. it's like you try so hard for absolutely nothing. suddenly you're not enough for the people around you and they just drop you. poof. you're only included when they want you, when they feel like it, when you're deemed worthy enough.

and while people may not realize that they're doing anything, you're constantly aware of it. you sit there and you notice every little damn detail. every inside joke that you're on the outside of. every sentence that has a double meaning in hopes you'll only see the side they want you to see. every time they tell you you're wrong because you don't feel the same way as them or believe the same thing or conform your life to match theirs. so eventually you just stop and sit there and tune them out. you blare music they'll never understand or make up stories in your head of a life you've longed for or think of a cozy little dorm room in the heart of london where you realized what it felt like to follow your dreams, to be happy. maybe you don't do this. maybe it's just me. and maybe they really are right when they tell me i'm crazy.

the trailer for the perks of being a wallflower was released while i was in london. i remember sitting at my desk in the dark, my room faintly illuminated by my computer screen and the beautiful city outside, the rain lightly tapping against my open window. i watched the trailer for the first time and i just cried. it's weird seeing your favorite books come to life before your eyes. and while the actual movie was a tad disappointing because it left out almost all of my favorite quotes, i thought the trailer was amazing and beautiful and completely full of hope, just like the book that helped me get through some of the toughest times in my life.

my aunt carla and i took a red eye flight to london, so i restlessly slept during a majority of it. but at one point, around 2 in the morning, i woke up and decided to peek out the window. i don't know if any of you have ever looked at the stars from 30,000 feet, but it is the most beautiful sight you will ever see. they're so big; space is so big. it isn't a question of whether it is enough, because it is never-ending. i sat there holding my scratchy Delta blanket behind my head to block the light and looked out at all of those stars. the stars that were around long before i existed and will still be going strong long after i'm gone. the stars that hold so much beauty, that know no limits, that give us the hope that our dreams are as endless as the night sky. and in that moment, i felt it. that feeling that has made me fight for my dreams and given me so much hope. that feeling that told me i wasn't just living, i was alive. that feeling that i've only felt once, and may very well never feel again. i looked out at the stars and felt something that i've longed for ever since i read the words from the book that has saved me so many times. infinite.